Losing my virginity...oh no, that's something different

Bob Barker, the former, long-time host of the game show, The Price is Right, used to end the show with a message reminding people to spay and neuter their pets. I think my wife thought he said make sure you get your husbands neutered, because I found myself on a bus this morning going to the doctor’s office for a vasectomy referral. It was ironic that on the way I was reading the Maclean’s magazine cover story, The Case Against Having Kids. Too late for me, but something others may consider, I suppose.

Dr. Rich, who apparently has gotten quite rich neutering males, will be doing the procedure. In fact, on his website he says he’s done 15,000 of them. Now that’s a lot of dicks!

On the rich doctor’s website is the bible of no scalpel vasectomies, otherwise known as The Book. Apparently, this is required reading. Who knew there would be homework?

Page one sounds promising…
A vasectomy has no direct being on sexual function. No better. No worse.

But what about just some? I mean, being married with two kids seems protection enough. Why the need for a vasectomy?

Page two gets a little more technical...
The No-needle injector delivers a fine jet of Xylocaine right through the scrotal skin onto the vas and surrounding tissue. It requires only 1/10th the volume of anesthetic compared with the needle method so there is less tissue distension (this is good, I was worried about tissue distension) and less risk of bleeding. Also it is a proven medical fact that men prefer to have needles kept as far from their scrotums as possible. (no kidding, and how many years of schooling did it take the doctor to learn this?)

The Book says that surgery and recovery are usually fast and the pain is usually minimal. Though the following is a little unsettling. The penis is encircled with an elastic band the other end of which is clipped to the bottom of your shirt. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! One’s penis (if you have one) should never, I repeat never, be clipped to your shirt.

A few things that could go wrong, according to Dr. Rich.

Hematoma: This results from bleeding into the scrotum. It can get large and painful, and turn the scrotum black and blue. Incidence with conventional vasectomy is around 3%. The NSV literature puts it at 0.3%, but I’ve only seen 3 “big ones” in 15,000 (0.03%).

Infection: Minor infections occur in about 1 to 2% of patients. Serious infections, requiring intravenous antibiotics or drainage of an abscess occur in about 0.2% of cases. Even these rare and serious infections usually resolve completely in a few weeks.

Vasitis or Epididymitis: Inflammation and swelling of the tissue surrounding the vas or extending down around the epididymis (the part just below the vas that joins it to the testicle) occurs about 10% of the time. It’s usually mild and transient, no bigger than a grape, but rarely this can get to the size of “a third testicle”. Needless to say, this can be painful, but this too will settle with religious use of industrial strength non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), but it can sometimes take a few weeks to settle down. Given that swelling is what the male genitalia like to do best, all this is not surprising. In fact, inflammation and erection both produce swelling through almost identical biochemical pathways. That is why I encourage the liberal use of ibuprofen or other NSAIDs for a full week post-op, even if you're not having pain. Tylenol is usually not as effective for this.

If pain and inflammation lasts for a month, the good doctor advises to come back and see him. Like what can he do? He’s the no scalpel doc, after all. It’s not like he has the tools in his office to cut IT off should the swelling become intolerable. I think a trip to the nearest hospital would be in order.

My doctor told me they should be able to schedule the procedure in a month or two. I’ll let you know how it goes.