Like an old gelding standing in a field of green grass and wildflower, swishing the flies away with its tail, my breeding days are over. A stallion, no more.
I'm not sure what it means when your father-in-law accompanies you to get a vasectomy. I guess after knocking up his daughter twice, he'd had enough, so he dragged me to the clinic. The small waiting room was full of similarly aged men, and one woman. Perhaps a sympathetic wife. Turns out most of the guys were back for a quick follow-up check. I tried to see if they walked any differently when they left.
As Dr. Rich (an appropriate name, I suppose for a guy that has performed more than 15,000 vasectomies in the last 15 years), was looping an elastic band around my penis and clipping it to my shirt--sounds like a fraternity prank gone bad--I asked him how he got into the business of population control.
"It's a dirty business, but someone has to do it," he replied dryly.
Turns out he used to be a GP, delivery babies and the like, but I guess he delivered one too many crying baby and decided to curb that nonsense.
"The people that really need this procedure, aren't the ones that come here" he went on, "they're too busy thinking about recreation than procreation."
With the political statement aside, and penis firmly secured to my shirt, the rich doctor used his handy jet injector to penetrate (no pun intended) the scrotal skin and freeze the vas and surrounding tissue. On the ceiling above was a picture of some happy sperm swimming along with the words, sorry, boys! printed on it. At least he has a sense of humour.
After a minute or two to let the freezing take, he punctured the skin, grabbed one vas and cut it, then the other; forever severing my ability to sire any children.
"You'll smell some smoke," he said. Actually I could see it. I thought maybe he was etching his name, performed by Dr. Rich.
Then he patched up the small hole, put a few inches of gauze padding on the wound, and off I went, with my instructions to rest and a bottle of Ibuprofen.
I swear I saw the guys in the waiting room watching to see if I walked any differently.
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2 comments:
Love the comment on your father in law. I am surprised that you did take him, simply because I think he would have been willing to do the job himself. Probably would have been needless as well.... a hammer perhaps??? :)
Thanks for the hilarious post. I guess all married men go through this sooner or later... How long did your recovery period take? I remember visiting a married friend after the procedure. He was watching TV with a giant bag of frozen peas on his crotch :)
- Geoff G.
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