Some technology I can live without

Late last year I came across a website that noted 21 things that had become obsolete during the past decade. A bit of a misnomer, because most of things profiled aren’t obsolete. Anyway, because of the proliferation of GPS units in automobiles, maps, according to this website, are apparently obsolete. A shame really because I really like maps, and considering the number of times my five year old son has looked at his dog-eared and crumpled Disneyland map, he likes them too.

I’ll admit to being a reluctant user of new technologies. I was the last person to get an ATM card, the second last person to get a DVD player (my parents were the last), and I’m able to resist the urge to buy the latest electronic gadgets.

Last week when renting a car in Los Angeles, I asked the guy for a map. “Oh, I forgot to ask if you wanted a GPS.” No, just a map, I replied. It’s all I would need.

With words like, “Oh, you HAVE to get one of those" -- others have extolled the virtues of these little devices, but I’m not sold. They seem more of a novelty to me. Plan your route in advance, know how to read a map, and follow the signs. And if you do get lost, delight in the detour.

I’m not sure if it’s just my family, but has anyone else ever gotten lost when using a GPS? Last year while in San Diego, I told my sister (whose car was equipped with a GPS) to take a particular road along the beach for a nice drive. She was following me for a while, and then turned off. When I asked why she turned off, she said the GPS told her she was seven miles from Mexico, and she thought she was lost. How ironic the person with the GPS thought she was lost. Indeed my sister probably was seven miles from the Mexican border. While my sister was afraid of Mexican banditos or something else, my wife and I enjoyed a pleasant seaside drive.

The other day I was driving with my parents, again in San Diego, and they had programmed the GPS to take my son and me to Sea World. It’s an easy 4km from where we were staying. From the front of the vehicle all I heard was an annoying woman’s voice (no, not my mother’s) coming from the computerized unit sitting on the dash.

"Turn right 250 metres, bear left 200 metres, turn right, turn right, turn left, go straight, recalculating, recalculating."

Instead of just following the well-marked signs to Sea World, my parents were so focused on the GPS unit. In fact, when we left we actually missed a turnoff, because they were listening to the directions. I asked my mother if she could turn the annoying voice off. I have no idea how anyone could concentrate on driving when this nagging voice is telling you where to go. It’s worse than the worst backseat driver. I would have thrown the device out the window before getting past the first block.

Where’s the joy in not always taking the most direct route? Or the unexpected pleasures that invariably come with getting lost? Technology has indeed made our lives better, but there are some things that I can do without. Does anyone have a map?

Going gray

So, the other day I noticed a gray hair in my amazon-like forest of chest hair. Isn't it a bit early. I mean I'm not quite 40 yet. Then my wife kindly told me I had another three, or four, or five...I told her to stop counting...on my back.

"You know, if it was all gray, it wouldn't look like you have any hair on your body!"

Great, the kind of support one can count on from one's spouse. Do they sell gray dye at the 24 hour pharmacy? Probably not.

This got me wondering, why does our hair turn gray? My parents used to blame it on the stress I caused them as a child. Apparently, that's a load of bunk. Here's the follicle on my unscientific research.

Hair follicles contain pigment cells, which in turn produce a chemical called melanin. This gives the growing shaft its colour. When the pigment cells die, the hair turns gray. I did learn that it may take more than 10 years for all the hair to turn gray.

One other fact. The average scalp has 100,000 to 150,000 hairs on it. And for those of you who know me, I'm not all that average.

Yes, there was a time when my head didn't look like a clear cut:

15 years later

West Coast Air

My article on West Coast Air is being published in the March issue of Airways magazine. Included in this article is a report on a fantastic flight from Victoria to Whistler. You can view the article by using the zoom (+) button, and the scroll bars, or you have an option of downloading the article.

Enjoy,


A169_WestCoastAir2

The great places the news will never tell you about

If it weren’t for an episode of Friends, many people would never have heard of Yemen. As it is, most know little of this Middle Eastern country, or could even locate it on a map. Yemen, with a history that spans thousands of years sits on the southern side of the Arabian Peninsula. Saudi Arabia borders the country to the north.

Apparently, the ancient Romans called the area Arabia Felix, Happy Arabia. But there is little to be happy about in Yemen these days. It is the poorest country in the Arab world; burdened by an unemployment rate of 40% (183^rd in the world), and oil reserves that are expected to be depleted in 2017. And while the government has attempted to improve economic conditions and reduce illiteracy, Yemen has come in the news recently for largely negative reasons. The government has been fighting a civil war with religious rebels, and parts of the country are purported to support terrorist training camps.

I mention Yemen because despite the negative attention that the country has received, there are some historical treasures that are worthy of knowing about. In fact, a few years back I was interested in writing about Yemenia, the county’s national airline, but the folks there were inept; hence I was unable to arrange a visit (this ineptitude is not exclusive to Yemenia, similar useless public relations people can also be found at AVIANCA, Aer Lingus, TransAero, and a host of other airlines, I digress).

We often see a country through the lens of a television camera, or the tip of a pen (do writers still write?), and usually what we see is the negative, so if you have actually heard about Yemen in the news recently, they probably didn't show you the old walled city of Shibam. Dating to the 16^th Century, the city is known as the Manhattan of the Desert, because of its ancient mud brick skyscrapers. Below are a few photos of Shibam and Sana'a, courtesy of http://www.traveladventures.com/

The news probably didn't share with you the old city of Sana’a, where 103 mosques, 14 traditional bath houses and more than 6,000 houses dating back a thousand years still stand.

Sometimes we need to get beyond the trouble and negative stories to see the jewels that exist in this world.

Bigger is not always better (unless we're talking about buildings)

I usually eschew the bigger is better notion (I’m not sure what they are compensating for, but the drivers of Hummers and Escalades, and their ostentatious ilk, aren’t cool), except when it comes to buildings, and then BIGGER IS BETTER. The granddaddy of those buildings, the Burj Dubai, or Burj Khalifa as it is now named, was officially opened yesterday. Almost two years ago, I had the pleasure of seeing the Burj, which in Arabic means tower, while still under construction.

I arrived in Dubai in the late evening, and jumped in a taxi, glad to be shielded from the simmering heat. As the car neared my hotel, I could see this dark, monster-like building piercing the night sky. It looked foreboding and eerie. An army of construction workers, most plucked from Pakistan, India, and Bangladesh, scurried about like ants building up the colony for the Queen, or in this case, Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, the current ruler of Dubai, one of the States that make up the United Arab Emirates.

I was staying at The Palace The Old Town (though a bit of a misnomer, because there is very little that is old in Dubai), and much to my delight when I awoke in the morning, I could see the Burj Dubai, rising majestically next to the hotel. Still in its unfinished state, the Burj had already surpassed the world’s next tallest building, Taipei 101. In fact, at this time, the tower’s final height was still unknown. Wow! The World needs more buildings like this, I thought to myself.

If the marvelous design of the building doesn’t wow you, then surely the details will:

- 160 stories
- 2,625 feet (almost 1,000 feet higher than Taipei 101)
- In 2007 became the world’s tallest building

- In 2008 became the world’s tallest man-made structure

Many great cities around the world are defined by their amazing skylines. Think Chicago, New York, San Francisco, Shanghai, and Hong Kong. Even Sydney and Paris have signature buildings that have given rise to these great places. While there have been a few positive developments, I often wish the citizenry and decision makers in Vancouver were bolder when it comes to taller buildings.

For the foreseeable future nothing will surpass the Burj Dubai, but surely some bold (and ego-driven) architect is drawing up plans in their head for a taller tower.

If you don't know me...better to just call me Mister

I don't expect a lot from the cashiers at the supermarket. I'm not fussy about how they bag the groceries, as long as they don't squish the bread (in fact fewer bags the better). I don't care that they have to look up the PLU code for parsnips, parsley, or persimmons. And I surely don't expect them to know my name. So why then do some supermarkets insist on the cashiers thanking customers by name when they don't even know them. It's torturous for the poor clerk who struggles with the proper pronunciation, and it's torturous for the person who has to listen to their name being butchered.

The other day I was at Safeway, and Gus (who had a button on his shirt that said something like, "take pity on me, I'm new) was doing a good job. The line was moving well, scanner was beeping, groceries were being bagged, money was exchanged. Everyone was happy. Then Gus remembers line 15 of the training manual that says he has to thank the customers by name. So, he stares at the loyalty card of the guy in front of me, and after a moment stammers out a name that sounds like a mix of German and Chinese. Realizing that he probably didn't get it right, Gus tries again. This time the name sounds like a cross between Hungarian and Nepalese. The customer smiled and said, "Not really, but thanks."

When I handed Gus my card, he looked at it, and realized he probably shouldn't have skipped his phonetics class. He then offered up..."Mr. Don?" Not quite, but at least he went back to scanning my groceries. Then when he returned my change and card, he just called me, "mister". Which at the end of the day is just easier. Same thing happened yesterday with another Safeway clerk. This time I was called "Mr. Dono".

No, the name is DONOHUE (which in Irish means handsome, intelligent, and charming).

To further illustrate how ridiculous this practice is, a few years ago I was at a store and the clerk looked at my Air Miles card and said, "thank you Mr. Williams." She looked blankly at me when I said, "not really!" What she didn't know, and why should she, was that the card I had was tied to my wife's account, which still had her maiden name on it.

Customers don't expect random clerks in random stores to know their names, so let's just dispense with the nonsense. Better for the customer and better for the poor clerks. A simple, thank you, is all I need.

NZ least corrupt nation

Transparency International, which calls itself the global civil society organization, released its annual corruption index. New Zealand (the only place my wife has been that I haven't) apparently is the least corrupt country in the world. Which is nice and all, but really how corrupt can a place be when the sheep population outnumbers humans 10:1. Yes, just over 4 million people call this island nation home, while more than 40 million sheep really run the place. As much as low corruption leads to good government, it sounds...well, rather boring.

In case you're interested, the five least corrupt nations are:

New Zealand
Denmark
Singapore
Sweden
Switzerland

Canada was tied for 8th, sharing that place with Australia and Iceland. But it's the countries at the bottom of the list that sound like exciting places to visit.

The most corrupt nation is Somalia, which isn't surprising of course to those on one of the 65 ships that have been attacked or hijacked by Somali pirates. There hasn't been a functioning government for many years. The 5 most corrupt countries are:

Somalia
Afghanistan
Myanmar
Sudan
Iraq

The most corrupt country that I have visited is Iran, which placed 168th. Again, not surprising considering this year's disputed Presidential election. We didn't experience any overt corruption during our visit, although we were detained by the police for a short while, and had to secretly remove the film from our camera and hide it in our host's sock, so that it wouldn't be found and confiscated by the police at the airport.

Honestly, and really isn't that what this is all about, the only corruption that we have knowingly engaged in was in South Korea. As foreigners working in Korea, we needed to obtain an Alien Registration Card. One day, the mysterious Mr. Park, whose job we never really knew and who just appeared from time to time, escorted Carrie and I, along with two other teachers, to the Department of Immigration. Housed in a non-descript , concrete building, we found a seat along a back wall. After a long wait we went individually to a counter to get fingerprinted and had our picture taken, so we could be registered as Aliens.

There was more waiting, and then Mr. Park led one of the other teachers to a counter, where we could see her signing some papers. She seemed stunned when she returned and told us that they asked her to sign someone else's name on some immigration documents. Mr. Park then led Carrie to the counter, where she was asked to do the same thing. We have no idea what the documents were for, or why they were asked to sign them. Sometimes it's just easier not to ask.

Everything in America is Big

Have you noticed that everything in the U.S. is BIG--The Big Easy, Big Sur, Battle of the Big Horn, Super Big Gulps, Big Bear Lake, Big trees that they call giants, Big Brother. It's a big country (though not the biggest), with big portions and big people, big deficit, big cars that drive on equally big freeways. Even former president Bill Clinton talked big, when he said: big things are expected of us , and nothing big ever came of being small.

It's a larger than life place, so it wasn't surprising when I heard about the very big 4,060 year sentence given to a child sex offender and recently upheld by a Texas Appeals Court (apparently Texas is a BIG state, though not the biggest). I was thinking maybe a 3,000 year sentence was reasonable, but a Texas jury was looking for something bigger. James Pope will not be eligible for parole until the year 3209. Now that's a lot of years spent in the Big House.

Misleading Journalism

If you read Saturday's Sun from cover to cover you might have caught these two references:

South African Airways offers low airfares and good service between Seattle and a choice of destination cities in South Africa. The flight from Seattle connects through New York which makes for a nice break for such a long journey.

and

Saxena arrived Friday on Thai Airways flight 615 from Vancouver via Beijing.

And if you did catch these excerpts, from different stories, you could be forgiven for thinking that South African Airways flies to Seattle and that Thai Airways serves Vancouver. Neither is the case. Just some sloppy journalism.

South African Airways, which by the way has one of the finest liveries (that's the fancy paint on the outside of the plane) in the world, doesn't fly anywhere near Seattle. In fact, their only two North American destinations are Washington DC and New York. Instead of fine South African service between Seattle and New York, you'll get no service on an American airline, and if you choose to book through the airline's website as the article suggests you'll be forced into making an inconvenient and expensive connection between New York airports (I've done it before it's a hassle, and the cab ride will be over $100). Oh, and the fare will set you back more than $2000. But in case you're interested, I checked on Travelocity, and found a fare for the unbelievable price of $1400, all in, and no need to transfer airports. Consider it my gift to you. Just send me a postcard.

Now on to the second misleading article. Presumably long time fugitive, Rakesh Saxena, who was extradited last week to Thailand after 13 years of playing the Canadian judicial system did indeed arrive on Thai Airways flight 615, but that flight originates in Beijing. Thai Airways has never served Vancouver. It is likely Saxena and his entourage of Thai police officers flew from Vancouver to Beijing on Air China.

So when you're at your next cocktail party and someone says they heard that Thai Airways flies into Vancouver, you'll know they don't. Don't believe everything you read in the paper.

By the way, if you were interested in purchasing a ticket on that South African Airways flight to Jo'burg, my legal name in my passport is KENNETH.

What exactly is the Prince's job?

Next week, Prince Charles (known by close friends as Chuck) will be coming to Canada, and if a poll of 1,400 Canadians is a reflection of the country, then indifference will probably mark his 15th visit to Canada.

Out in the colonies, the British royalty are kind of like those distant relatives, who come to visit every once in while. They’re pleasant visits, but not really full of much substance. So, it doesn’t surprise me when I read that half of those polled no longer believe there should be a Queen or King as a Head of State, and that only one in five would make an effort to see the Prince of Wales if he were nearby.

What does surprise me about the poll is that almost 700 people thought that Chuck was doing a good job, while just 34% thought he was doing a poor, or extremely poor job. And 62% said the Queen was doing a fair, good, or excellent job.

Really? And what are there jobs? It’s not like the days of old when Kings and Queens led countries, oppressed their subjects, invaded foreign lands, and ruled distant empires. Even Chuck’s website is a little vague about what he does. Under the Work section it reads:

The Prince of Wales, as Heir to the Throne, seeks, with the support of his wife, to do all he can to use his unique position to make a difference for the better in the United Kingdom and internationally.

Yah nice, but aren’t many of us trying to make a difference for our respective countries and the world?

I was chatting about the state of British throne just the other day with my colleague, who apparently claims to be Canadian, but spent of her impressionable years growing up in London, so she talks a funny kind of English. She told me that the Windsors (sounds like it could be the name of a soap opera) took a much greater interest in British affairs than we hear about in the backwaters of the Empire. Maybe so, but it seems that the Royals of old had a much greater impact on the affairs of their countries. Take for instance William, the bastard, a French dude, who by the time he was 19 was dealing with threats of rebellion and invasion. Later he sailed across The Channel and invaded England and proclaimed himself King. Talk about overachiever.

While I don’t often run out when Elizabeth or her sons come to town (though in school once we stood on the side of the street waving a little Union Jack while Liz and Phil drove by, and I did bid farewell to the Royal clan when they boarded their Yacht), I am a sucker for pomp and pageantry, and I don’t mean to sell Chuck short, because he engages in many charitable causes and speaks out about environmental degradation, but it just seems that these Royal visits are merely tightly controlled glad-handing events.

His website says that he and Camilla hope to meet a cross-section of Canadians during their 11-day visit. If his handlers would let the guy loose, I’m sure he would have a more meaningful dialogue with Canadians, but he won’t get much of a sense of Canada being hustled from one heavily scripted event to another. Not like his younger brother, Edward, who while staying in Victoria at the 1994 Commonwealth Games, apparently donned a ball cap and slipped out the side door at Government House without his security detail and walked downtown to take in the nightly concerts in the Inner Harbour.

I wish the Prince and his Princess a pleasant visit, but like most Canadians I won't be rushing out to see them.

A long road trip

So I learned today that it may soon be possible to travel to Mars in 39 days. This thanks to a new Ion propulsion engine. Not sure what that really means, but it sounds fast.

Apparently Mars and Earth only pass close together every two years, so space junkies always assumed a crew would have to travel one way, wait a year, then fly back the next time the planets were close together--raising the same kind of fear you have when your in-laws visit for Christmas and they might have to stay a year before returning home.

55 million km in 39 days--now that's one long road trip. I'm not sure it would work for our family. These days before we leave the garage, the older one is always asking, "are we there yet...are we there yet?". And when the little one starts screaming in the car, the older one starts in. Soon the back seat is a symphony of shrill shrieks.

Where would you stop for snacks along the way? Are there rest stops? "Hey honey, can you pull over, so I can use the toilet? Imagine the kind of musical play list you would have to put together.

"Haven't we heard this song before?"

"Well, not since day 17!"

My son would be playing one of his favourite songs over and over. A ditty by The Backyardigans (A grunge band from the early '90s) called, We're going to Mars.

It goes something like this:

Uniqua, Pablo and Austin:
We're going to Mars We're going to Mars A mission is what we've got

Pablo:
We're gonna say 'roger' a lot

Uniqua, Pablo and Austin:
We're going to Mars We're going to Mars We don't know what lies ahead

Pablo:
But we do know the planet's red

Uniqua, Pablo and Austin:
We're going to Mars

Austin:
What will we find when we get there

Pablo:
Probably some dude that is red there

Who knows, maybe we'll see you out there one day on the Milky Way travelling to Mars.

I'm no Brad Pitt, but I have three toilets

I often hear my wife talking in her sleep. The theme goes something like this. Why didn't I marry someone with the rugged good looks of Brad Pitt, or the refined charm of George Clooney, or the wit of Louis CK. Then she wakes up. And sees my adorable face.

While I'm no Pitt or Clooney, I am a great husband, but for reasons that may not at first seem obvious. I have provided my dear wife with a house that has three toilets--one on the main floor and two upstairs. I know, the pampered luxury that my wife has become accustomed to.

Now before you minimize the significance of such facilities, consider that in rural India many young women are refusing to marry unless their suitor furnishes their future home with a bathroom. This means the ladies won't be inconvenienced by having to use community toilets or squatting in fields.

In one state, close to 1.5 million toilets have been built since the No Toilet, No Bride campaign started two years ago. One woman said she won't let her daughter near a boy that doesn't have a toilet. "No loo? No, I do," she was quoted saying in a newspaper article.

The culture of favouring sons, and thus aborting female fetuses (an illegal, yet widespread practice), means there are more bachelors than eligible brides. Women and their parents are now able to be more selective when arranging a match. There's always a price to pay for screwing with nature, isn't there?

Imagine what a catch I would be in India with three toilets. I just won't tell my wife that Brad Pitt's French home has seven bathrooms, with another seven in the outbuildings on the property.

15 cent Metro

Those who know me well know that I'm a frugal guy. Not cheap...frugal, there's a difference. If I was cheap I wouldn't have given the homeless guy some money for volunteering the directions to my hotel, during a recent visit to Seattle. It's a trait I'm sure passed down from some Scottish ancestry, and tucked deep inside my DNA. My mind is often consumed by money--how much did that taxi cost me? And that breakfast? And those two belts I bought from a street vendor yesterday in Mexico City. $20, $12, and $8, in case you were curious.

I try to live by a simple philosophy. We all have a certain amount of money, and if we are careful with it, we can experience much more than if we squander it away. That's why I shared a room with 9 others a couple of years ago, and paid $35 to stay a night in midtown Manhattan, or stayed with a family in Bucharest with no hot water for $15. But back to Mexico City.

Yesterday afternoon, I left my hotel and started walking along the impressive Paseo de la Reforma towards Zocola, the city's historical area. The de la Reforma is a multi-laned road bordered by wide boulevards, and lined with leafy trees. After passing the impressive Fountain de la Diana Cazadora and further along the Angel of the Revolution monument, I stopped in at a tourist info kiosk, and asked how long it would take to walk. 30 minutes. So I asked about the bus. The helpful attendant pointed to stop on the far side of the round about, and told me it would cost 5 pesos, 40 cents. What a bargain. Frugal guy likes that.

After spending some time ambling through the central part of the city, I thought I would take the subway back to my hotel. I scanned the colourful subway map and figured that if I walked to the Pino Suarez station, I could take the pink line to Sevilla, which would deliver me two blocks from the hotel.

I descended beneath the street and into the baking and busy maze of tunnels below, like ants burrowing through the ground. I found the ticket counter, and handed over 2 pesos, 15 cents, for a ticket. Yes, 15 cents. For a frugal guy like me, that's like pulling three sevens on a Vegas slot machine. I could ride the metro all day long at that price.

In case you need to impress someone at your next cocktail party, here's a little information on the subway. Yes, time saved looking it up online. My gift to you.

The Sistemo de Transporte Colectivo Metro, the official name of Mexico City's metro. Opened in 1969, it is the second largest metro system in North America, next to New York's, and serves more than 1.4 billion passengers a year (the Tokyo metro is the most used with more than 3 billion riders each year). There are 11 lines and more than 450 km of track. And indeed it is the cheapest metro ticket in the world.

During the initial construction, two archeological ruins were discovered, along with an Aztec idol, which apparently is different than an American Idol, and the bones of a mammoth.

The trains are long, and normally full of people, although on one train coming back from the airport this afternoon, I was able to get a seat. The windows on most cars have been scratched up by delinquents, but I never felt unsafe. Vendors ply their trade selling tic tacs, freezies, flashlights, small toys, and presumably a factory of other things. The din of the train is sometimes disturbed, pleasantly so, by the pulsing music from someone's large stereo. Music is, after all, meant to be shared.

And the one thing I noticed is that it doesn't matter where you are in the world, people entering the train don't wait to let those getting off the train, before they barge on. Humans are idiots, but I love the 15 cent metro.

We're always waiting for something

“It seems like everyone is waiting for something,” my 10-year old nephew observed recently over a family dinner. And while he was referring to the chicken, or potatoes, or salad, I thought it was an appropriate statement for life in general. Seems we’re always waiting for something.

Before we are born even, we wait to be freed from inside our mothers. And our parents, too, eagerly await our arrival. And when we do arrive, they hold their breath waiting for that shrill cry, and the thumbs up from the doctor.

As a youngster we eagerly wait for Santa Claus to come. Then on Christmas morning we wait some more until our parents get up and breakfast is made. And if you have a father like mine, you’ll wait even more, because he takes hours to open one gift.

At school, we wait outside until the bell calls us inside, where we wait until the teacher shows up, and begins the roll call (do they still do that). Students with names at the end of the alphabet always think they have to wait longer. Turns out we all wait the same amount of time. We wait for the results of our tests, while our parents wait for our report card. I always waited for my mother to ask why I don’t try harder and apply myself.

When we graduate from grade school we wait on the stage for our name to be called out, only to wait even longer until those students whose names are at the end of alphabet get called up. Then we wait for our final grades to see if we’ve applied ourselves enough to continue our education. We wait for the university to accept our application, where the waiting begins all over, except this time there are no bells to let us know when the class starts. And there is no recess.

Travelling is all about waiting, too. We go to the airport and wait to check-in, then wait again to put our bags on the conveyor belt. We wait at security and then again at the gate. Sometimes if the flight is delayed, we have to wait some more. Once onboard, we have to wait until all the passengers and cargo are loaded. Once in Dallas we had to wait until a thunderstorm passed. And when it was safe to leave we had to wait for the back up of airplanes to take off. The moment we leave, our loved ones can't wait until we return. They stand at the airport waiting for our plane to arrive.

Some mornings we lay awake waiting for the alarm to go off, and then wait for the hot water to warm up the bath or shower. We wait for the toast to jump out of the toaster, or the coffee to brew, or the Rice Krispies to go snap, crackle, pop.

Sports, too is a waiting game. We wait to enter the arena or stadium, then wait for the players to skate onto the ice, or run onto the pitch. We wait for the warm up to finish, and the puck to be dropped, or ball to be kicked. During the intermissions we wait some more--in lineups for food and drink, and for the toilet. We wait for the final buzzer to see if our team won. Then we wait to get out of the building, and wait some more to get our car out of the parking lot or to find a train home. In some cases, we wait decades before our team finally wins a championship, while others still wait for the first taste of victory.

At the supermarket we wait at the check stand for the person in front to pay for their groceries. It always seems that I’m waiting behind the person fumbling for loose change in their purse? We then wait for the cashier to scan our items, only to have to wait longer because they don’t know the code for organic spinach. We then wait for the total payment to be displayed. The cashier in turn waits for us to get find some cash or a plastic card.

The unlucky wait for the test results and then wait a doctor’s diagnosis, only to be told there is nothing more that can be done. They then wait to die. Life is cruel that way.

I’m not sure how they know this, but apparently we spend 10 weeks of our lives waiting. I guess I’ll have to wait to see if that’s true.

Now may be the time to visit the UK...or maybe not.

If you’ve been putting off that trip to the United Kingdom or Great Britain or whatever you want to call that place where they talk that funny sort of English, now may be the time to go. As an aside have you noticed that the Kingdom, which is actually ruled by a Queen is hardly united, nor is it as great as it once was? I digress.

Instead of taking money from unsuspecting tourists and locals, 20 former pickpockets have been slipping 5 to 20 pound notes into people’s pockets or handbags for the past month in London. The “put-pocket” initiative, which is now apparently being rolled out country wide, and is being funded by Internet provider, TalkTalk. A clever marketing stunt, me thinks.

Fortunately, in all of my travels, I have never been pickpocketed. My camera was stolen at a Venice youth hostel (the miscreant didn’t even have the courtesy to leave the film behind), and someone tried to open my backpack while on a busy street in Costa Rica, but Carrie wrestled the guy to the ground and punched him in the nose.

What you may not know is that the biggest pickpocket is actually the British government. Compare the taxes and fees paid on flights to London and other European cities and you’ll see why you’re being fleeced. What's almost as bad is that most airline booking sites just display the total taxes and fees, so you have no idea who's ripping you off. But believe me, the UK government is getting a fistful of your Dollars or Euros, or Dinars.

According to the World Travel and Tourism Tax Barometer, taxes on international air passengers has risen more than 250% in London since 1994. In 1996, the UK government introduced a new international air passenger duty, which started out at 10 Pounds, but has now increased to 40 Pounds, and is set to rise again this year.

Below are the taxes and fees for flights to some European cities from Vancouver (in CAN$)

London - $457
Paris - $413
Amsterdam - $395
Frankfurt - $316

Alistair Darling, Britain's Chancellor of the Exchequer, must put his feet up each evening at 11 Downing Street, counting his dosh, because London's Heathrow is the world's busiest airport in terms of international passengers, with more than 69 million passing through each year.

Canada Line...a nice ride, lame name

The other day I rode the Canada Line, Vancouver’s newest rail link, and had lunch at the airport. The trip took less than 20 minutes, which is a vast improvement from a few months ago when I last went to the airport from my office. Then I had to take three buses and it took more than hour.

The Canada Line though seems like an odd choice of name. Is Canada the only country in the world that would think to name a rail line after itself? I can’t see the Mexicans building a subway line and calling it the Mexico Line, or the British calling the Heathrow Express the United Kingdom line. Or what about the Congo Line (isn’t that a dance or something)? Equally ridiculous would be a subway line called the Brunei Darussalum Line or the Equitorial Guinea Line, or the Peru Line.

Logically, it should be called the Olympic Line, as the city’s two other SkyTrain routes are aptly named the Expo Line, because it was built for Expo 86, and the Millennium Line, because it was supposed to open in 2000, though it was late by a year or so. But politics often trumps logic. And to have named it the Olympic Line would have invited the whiny Olympic naysayers to add the $2 billion price tag for the train line to the cost of hosting the Olympics. Safer instead to call it the Canada Line. Who would argue with that? A little lame I think.

When the initial plans for the rail link to the airport and Richmond were first proposed, I remember Burnaby mayor, Derek Corrigan, saying something stupid--suggesting that the RAV line (as it was known before we got all vain) is a waste of money, because the only people that will ride the train are airport workers and backpackers, everyone else will take a cab.

When I rode the Olympic Line to the airport, I did see a few backpackers and maybe even some airport workers, but I also saw people with luggage (and a throng of “transit tourists” like me). How presumptuous to assume that the only people that would be inclined to take the train into the city would be workers and backpackers.

And yes, it is possible to travel on the train with luggage. In fact, I once travelled from London’s Heathrow Airport on the Tube with my family and 11 bags of varying sizes. I remember it was 11, because as we got off of every train in the UK and the Netherlands, we counted the bags to make sure we had them all. In fact, I have taken the train to and from the airport in the following cities:

London
Paris
Dusseldorf
Frankfurt
Zurich
Washington DC
New York
Hong Kong
Seoul
Kuala Lumpar

Sure some people will continue to take a cab from the airport. It has some very real benefits, but most travellers want to make their travel dollars go further, and as such will opt for the train. While it’s still early to trumpet the success of the Olympic Line, some taxi drivers are complaining that they are waiting longer for fares at the airport, because fewer travelers are hailing cabs, since the route opened.

Back to the train itself. On the station platform, an automated voice announced the destination of inbound and outbound trains, and signs displayed the waiting time of the next train. Large picture windows at the front of the train offered up excellent views for passengers. And as we zoomed beneath the city streets, one young girl said it was just like riding a roller coaster. And that's my kind of roller coaster...one without the steep drops.

Name aside, when I arrived at the airport I thought to myself that with this one line Vancouver’s transit system had just grown up, and Vancouver itself had matured.

A stallion no more!

Like an old gelding standing in a field of green grass and wildflower, swishing the flies away with its tail, my breeding days are over. A stallion, no more.

I'm not sure what it means when your father-in-law accompanies you to get a vasectomy. I guess after knocking up his daughter twice, he'd had enough, so he dragged me to the clinic. The small waiting room was full of similarly aged men, and one woman. Perhaps a sympathetic wife. Turns out most of the guys were back for a quick follow-up check. I tried to see if they walked any differently when they left.

As Dr. Rich (an appropriate name, I suppose for a guy that has performed more than 15,000 vasectomies in the last 15 years), was looping an elastic band around my penis and clipping it to my shirt--sounds like a fraternity prank gone bad--I asked him how he got into the business of population control.

"It's a dirty business, but someone has to do it," he replied dryly.

Turns out he used to be a GP, delivery babies and the like, but I guess he delivered one too many crying baby and decided to curb that nonsense.

"The people that really need this procedure, aren't the ones that come here" he went on, "they're too busy thinking about recreation than procreation."

With the political statement aside, and penis firmly secured to my shirt, the rich doctor used his handy jet injector to penetrate (no pun intended) the scrotal skin and freeze the vas and surrounding tissue. On the ceiling above was a picture of some happy sperm swimming along with the words, sorry, boys! printed on it. At least he has a sense of humour.

After a minute or two to let the freezing take, he punctured the skin, grabbed one vas and cut it, then the other; forever severing my ability to sire any children.

"You'll smell some smoke," he said. Actually I could see it. I thought maybe he was etching his name, performed by Dr. Rich.

Then he patched up the small hole, put a few inches of gauze padding on the wound, and off I went, with my instructions to rest and a bottle of Ibuprofen.

I swear I saw the guys in the waiting room watching to see if I walked any differently.

It takes an American to expose our arrogance

Given all the jingoism that we often hear from Americans about theirs being the best country in the world, some might find it ironic that it takes an American to point out our arrogance. After a recent visit to British Columbia, David Rich, of Glendale Arizona, was gobsmacked (his words) by BC's slogan, The Best Place on Earth. And so should we all. What began as a slogan in some slick ads for Tourism BC, somehow morphed into the official provincial slogan. Who thought this was a good thing?

British Columbia is indeed a beautifully diverse place, but to suggest that it is the best place on earth smacks of a smugness that is unbecoming and embarrassing. A little humility is a good thing.

And what does the rest of the world think when they see that slogan? It's laughable and dismissive of other places, which in some cases are more beautiful than British Columbia. Ritch suggests that British Columbians who subscribe to this best place on earth nonsense (my word) may fall into the trap of being too insular, like some of his fellow Americans. And he says that they need to visit Pakistan's Karakoram Mountains, Nepal, Chile's Torres del Paine National Park or Iguazu Falls.

We've all come across braggarts in our lives, and they aren't always pleasant to be around. As a person, as a business, as a province, or a country, never believe that you're the best. You'll stop striving to be better, and everyone will pass you by. And by the time you notice, no one will want to play with you.

The sooner we get back to being Super. Natural British Columbia, the better

A dog by any other name

According to a UK analysis of 12,000 dog names, Max, Jack (no, we did not name our sons after dogs), Molly, and Charlie, and other human-sounding names are the most popular. Similar findings in North America echo this trend. One anthropologist suggested that it only natural that we (that’s the collective we) would give names traditionally reserved for humans, reflecting the new status that dogs, and other pets, have as family members.

Just 13 dogs in the U.S. Veterinary Pet Insurance database had the name Fido. And Rover, Patch, Spot, and Lassie were only nominally more popular. For the 6th consecutive year Max was the top name for a dog--at least by those purchasing pet insurance.

All of this doesn’t surprise me considering that Americans spend more than $40 billion each year on their pets. In the past all one needed was a bag of dog chow, a food dish, and a couple of squeaky toys. Now we've gotten a bit goofy with doggy spas, bottled water for dogs, organic food, clothing, and accessories. In some circles dogs have become status symbols. In China, dogs used to be food, but now in fashionable cities, such as a Shanghai, people carry about miniature dogs as a sign of their material wealth.

In a recent Maclean’s magazine article titled, The Case Against Kids, I found it interesting that one couple talked about their decision not to have children, yet they admitted to doting on their dog. A child still, just a different kind of animal.

Now back to dog names. A colleague and her husband named their little mutt, Perro, which may sound unique, but really it means DOG in Spanish. Now that’s original. And I know of someone else who named their dog, Puppy. It’s kind of like calling your kid, Human or Baby.

My wife did say that with a dog you can always send it to the Kennel if you want to go away on vacation. Can’t really do that with the kids, I suppose. Though maybe an idea for a business opportunity. We could call it a Kiddel.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Hosted by Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby, Kids Say the Darndest Things aired on television from 1996 to 2000, and was named, because, well, sometimes kids say the darndest things.

Below are a few recent examples.

At dinner the other night, my four-year old son, Jack, said with certainty, “I want to go to Chicago!” This surprised us. Not that he would like to visit another city, but because we haven’t talked much about Chicago. New York, yes, Chicago not so much. My wife then asked, “why do you want to go there?” "Because I want to know what’s there," he said, sounding very grown up. Sounds reasonable enough, I suppose.

I have a friend who has travelled extensively through the United States, and Chicago is his favourite city. Maybe we'll get there some day.

To further illustrate how Jack has picked up his parent's love of travel, my wife asked him the other week where he wanted to go this summer. "Fiji would be nice," he replied matter-of-factly. Indeed, Fiji would be nice, but I think his mother was thinking of somewhere a little closer to home.



Yesterday Jack and I went grocery shopping while his mother and brother had a nap (lucky them). As he always does when we come to the bakery section, Jack eyed up all the decorated cakes. After examining each in detail, he pointed to one and said,"I'll have that one for my 5th birthday and that one (Sponge Bob) for my 41st birthday, and I'll have a Cars cake for my 65th birthday." Wow, nothing like being organized and doing a little pre-planning. I then started doing the math, and figured that if I'm still around, I'll be 100 years old when Jack digs into that Cars cake.



As we were driving to the grocery store, I turned a corner and then heard Jack say:

"Daddy, you didn’t do the click click."

The what?

"The click, click," he said again, his voice rising.

The what? I replied in that tone that all parents have when they have no idea what their child is trying to say.

"The lever," he said, in that tone that all children have when they can't understand why their parents don't know what they are trying to say.

Right, I forget that his mother has been teaching him about levers.

Ah, the turn signal. Right, the click click. The lever. (His mother has been teaching him about levers) Of course, I forgot to put the turn signal on. It makes so much sense now.

"Yes Daddy, you forgot to do the turn signal."

Nothing like your kids keeping you honest.